Or at least it feels like it…
This week has been pretty tough for me as frustration finally got the better of me resulting in a week that really could have been a lot better. In some ways it’s been a good week, so it’s not all bad, I finally got to my first HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) session on Tuesday, going with one of my best friends and in doing so ticking off one of my little personal goals. It actually went really well but I think I’d want to go with people I know for a while before being completely comfortable going on my own. I’m doing HIIT because the big thing I feel I need to work on is overall fitness and improve my cardio and stamina – all things HIIT, especially sessions like Tuesday will definitely help with. The personal goal was to go to a public sports related activity, obviously Roller Derby has ticked part of that, but as part of a team, practicing in places where the hall is rented exclusively, it didn’t tick the ‘public’ box for me. I didn’t use the changing rooms, as it was simply easier for the two of us to go already changed.
Wednesdays Roller Derby session was also very good, and I got my first piece of merchandise with my name and number on it. They have both been registered for a while, but up till now hadn’t yet appeared anywhere visible. I love Wednesdays sessions, they push me hard and that’s what I really enjoy, however, at the end of the session I did around 4 minutes of almost constant skating and was exhausted. Ok it came at the end of a intense and very enjoyable session, but did feel I need to be in better shape!
Work however has start to really get me down, all week I have been moving books, which actually probably represents the best week of the year, but it’s been very hard work, and coupled with the physical side of HIIT and Roller Derby, I felt pretty down on Thursday – mixture of lots of aches and probably a come down from the high of two intense days.
Then what completely triggered my frustration was something absolutely stupid, but then there is a saying ‘the straw that broke the camels back’ and ultimately it’s a saying that proves itself right, time and again!
On Thursday I really fancied going out to a local open Mic, I’m in a socialising mood and enjoying going out, meeting people, enjoying friends company etc., but with my parents supporting me at the moment I decided to be ‘sensible’ and not go out. Unfortunately Facebook showed various friends out and about, and the fact I wanted to go but decided not to – even though I could have found some funds to go out – was the preverbial straw.
Currently a lot of my life feels on hold, nothing moving forward and unfortunately when everything happens it gets on top of you, sadly that’s what’s happened this week and resulted in ultimately a pretty crap week – but fortunately I think I have a plan.
The root of the problem is money, back in February when I ‘kicked out’ my flat mate, my plan – which my parents supported, and largely suggested – was for them to support me until my DBS came through and I could start a second job doing care at home. Unfortunately the DBS has hit delays including a spelling mistake and DBS simply loosing one application resulting in it taking nearly 6 months, and counting.
My other job, is a low level job in a University Library and was always intended to be a ‘get into’ job with the intention of developing a career within the Uni. It’s taught me a lot about myself and, more importantly, job applications – but ultimately the only ‘promotion’ I managed was a 4 month secondment in Admissions – from an experience point of view, excellent, from a career point of view, no help whatsoever! So it’s turned into a dead-end job, which in combination with the care job not starting yet has resulted in financial strain and massive frustration as I HATE being the age I am and relying on parents to get by. They can afford it, but it’s not fair on them.
I knew there was a chance of my degree course starting in September, something I could ‘cling’ to and even though I didn’t ‘try’ to ultimately I did, so when it was clear I would be starting in January that was something else to pile on this weeks increasing stress. Five more months of ‘nothing’ just wasn’t a nice prospect.
On top of that my second appointment for referral for surgery still is hasn’t arrived, putting more ‘on hold’ to my life and adding to uncertainty.
So add that little lot together and suddenly it all got on top of me this week, there’s nothing to look forward to in the near future, no new challenges and it just resulted in a lot of tears and thinking.
I managed a little step forward yesterday, I contacted Northampton Gender Clinic who are going to do my second surgery assessment, turned out while they had my referral letter, it actually missed out a lot of critical information – for example assessments and even general ‘hand over’ patient information. We had a chat and my GP should have/be sending the information as Porterbrook were slow responding to a request for information. I was quite impressed with Northampton, but until they get the information, it was only a tiny step as no date.
I also think I need to move away from sitting doing nothing job wise. I really want to be financially more secure, and while ultimately that can happen, it’s not something that will happen tomorrow and thus I think I need to look for a new, full time (or part time but much better paid/hr) job at a level that reflects my skills. This treading water is not doing me any good whatsover so I’m hoping some help from a very good friend will at least give me something positive to do career wise and hopefully get me out of the financial mire.
Ultimately I really do want to become a nurse, I think I’d be good at it, and it’s a career that while tough, is pretty stable and has prospects. However I need to balance that with my current situation and the face is being financially struggling, combined with entry level jobs, are not helping my mental state. Whether anything comes of it, is anyones guess, but I can but try! I stopped applying for jobs, having gone for around 30 at the Uni over the course of a couple of years, and failed to get any apart from the admissions role, back in January time when I got the degree place and the Home Care role. I really am beginning to think that was a mistake and I need to re-evaluate, for my own mental health.